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Thursday, May 7, 2009

It's what you do to me


Its that time of the day again. I take one more good look at the mirror. I turn side ways and check whether I am decently dressed. And see whether my hair style is noticeable enough. As I am in the car on my way to school I cant help but think how things would turn out today. Once I reach my school I get out of the car and start walking to my class trying to look as cool as I possibly can. And more than once I tend to make a fool of myself in doing so too. From a distance I try to see inside the class whether she’s already in. I continue walking towards my class. Slow down once again near a tree just in front of my class. Then again I start heading towards my class. Just as I am about to enter I take one deep breath. At that moment I would normally be looking at nothing but the grey floor. Once I enter the class I take a little glimpse of her. If she’s not looking back I tend to stare at her. The days she does look at me I cant help but turn away and pretend to be looking at something else at the same time trying to maintain my so called coolness.

I put my bag down and sit on the desk till my teacher shows. As I am sitting on the desk I would normally be facing her. By then I would have calmed myself down a bit. She would either be talking with her boyfriend or sitting quietly. I look at her every now and then when she’s distracted by the surroundings. Oh the beauty I see is hard to describe. A little fringe like part of her dark black hair would be falling on her ever so white face. The little crystal clear eyes wont blink that much. Instead it would be staring outside. I cant even imagine what she might be thinking of. I then see whether she’s wearing her silver necklace. It looks so good on her. After that I would check whether she’s wearing her ring. She rarely wears the same ring in repetition. They are all unique in its own way. But one thing similar about all of it is that all of her rings are silver. It won’t take long for my teacher to arrive. Once she steps in I finally snap out of it. I continue with my work the rest of the day. But its often I be distracted. It is hard to ignore her as she sits close to me. I tend to zone out as some would say while I am trying to listen to her talk with her boyfriend.

I spent the free time I get in between classes to think of a way to approach her. I run countless plans inside my head everyday. But all of it has one significant conclusion. What would she think? Would she think I am wired? Would she ignore me? Etc etc…As I go on about this and that, then comes the break time. I think to myself..Oh great..Now the real torture starts. It’s usually the time of the day where she would go all cute with her boyfriend. They would talk, laugh and have one of those moments every now and then. Her face looks so beautiful as it lightens every time her boyfriend says something It’s actually a wonderful thing to see. Two people who are really compatible having the time of their lives. They go so nice together that I feel so guilty of even considering of hitting on her. And with that guilt I normally work out of the classroom as it comes near the point where it is unbearable to stay and watch all this happen. It’s either that or I just try to distract myself though the thought of her is always in the back of my mind.

Any how after it all the session would come to an end. I stand up with my bag all packed and ready to head home. I look at her once more and walk away in the hopes of seeing her again.

The another day of hardship comes to an end. Its normally at the stroke of mid night I go to bed. Everyone in the house will be asleep. Its pin drop silence in my room. I hide under my blanket and try to get a goodnight sleep. But all my efforts fails in vain. I am haunted of my past. I know it’s not worth dwelling over and it doesn’t do me any good. In spite of realizing that I still cant help it. I am human after all. Mistakes, mistakes and more mistakes is what I am reminded of. All my fantasies over this girl starts feel like a lost cause as I believe that I don’t deserve someone that pure like her. Not if I hadn’t undone all my wrong. At which point I am desperate for some sort of sign to tell me that their really is light at the end of the tunnel. Too many thoughts come into my mind all at once. It feels like there is no end to this cruel nightmare. Nonetheless desire is desire. Nothing can wash it away. The sun nor the tide can wash it away…In my heart it’s you who I want. With this thought I would unknowingly fall asleep in the hopes of having a better tomorrow.