It's what you do to me

Its that time of the day again. I take one more good look at the mirror. I turn side ways and check whether I am decently dressed. And see whether my hair style is noticeable enough. As I am in the car on my way to school I cant help but think how things would turn out today. Once I reach my school I get out of the car and start walking to my class trying to look as cool as I possibly can. And more than once I tend to make a fool of myself in doing so too. From a distance I try to see inside the class whether she’s already in. I continue walking towards my class. Slow down once again near a tree just in front of my class. Then again I start heading towards my class. Just as I am about to enter I take one deep breath. At that moment I would normally be looking at nothing but the grey floor. Once I enter the class I take a little glimpse of her. If she’s not looking back I tend to stare at her. The days she does look at me I cant help but turn away and pretend to be looking at something else at the same time trying to maintain my so called coolness.

I put my bag down and sit on the desk till my teacher shows. As I am sitting on the desk I would normally be facing her. By then I would have calmed myself down a bit. She would either be talking with her boyfriend or sitting quietly. I look at her every now and then when she’s distracted by the surroundings. Oh the beauty I see is hard to describe. A little fringe like part of her dark black hair would be falling on her ever so white face. The little crystal clear eyes wont blink that much. Instead it would be staring outside. I cant even imagine what she might be thinking of. I then see whether she’s wearing her silver necklace. It looks so good on her. After that I would check whether she’s wearing her ring. She rarely wears the same ring in repetition. They are all unique in its own way. But one thing similar about all of it is that all of her rings are silver. It won’t take long for my teacher to arrive. Once she steps in I finally snap out of it. I continue with my work the rest of the day. But its often I be distracted. It is hard to ignore her as she sits close to me. I tend to zone out as some would say while I am trying to listen to her talk with her boyfriend.

I spent the free time I get in between classes to think of a way to approach her. I run countless plans inside my head everyday. But all of it has one significant conclusion. What would she think? Would she think I am wired? Would she ignore me? Etc etc…As I go on about this and that, then comes the break time. I think to myself..Oh great..Now the real torture starts. It’s usually the time of the day where she would go all cute with her boyfriend. They would talk, laugh and have one of those moments every now and then. Her face looks so beautiful as it lightens every time her boyfriend says something It’s actually a wonderful thing to see. Two people who are really compatible having the time of their lives. They go so nice together that I feel so guilty of even considering of hitting on her. And with that guilt I normally work out of the classroom as it comes near the point where it is unbearable to stay and watch all this happen. It’s either that or I just try to distract myself though the thought of her is always in the back of my mind.

Any how after it all the session would come to an end. I stand up with my bag all packed and ready to head home. I look at her once more and walk away in the hopes of seeing her again.

The another day of hardship comes to an end. Its normally at the stroke of mid night I go to bed. Everyone in the house will be asleep. Its pin drop silence in my room. I hide under my blanket and try to get a goodnight sleep. But all my efforts fails in vain. I am haunted of my past. I know it’s not worth dwelling over and it doesn’t do me any good. In spite of realizing that I still cant help it. I am human after all. Mistakes, mistakes and more mistakes is what I am reminded of. All my fantasies over this girl starts feel like a lost cause as I believe that I don’t deserve someone that pure like her. Not if I hadn’t undone all my wrong. At which point I am desperate for some sort of sign to tell me that their really is light at the end of the tunnel. Too many thoughts come into my mind all at once. It feels like there is no end to this cruel nightmare. Nonetheless desire is desire. Nothing can wash it away. The sun nor the tide can wash it away…In my heart it’s you who I want. With this thought I would unknowingly fall asleep in the hopes of having a better tomorrow.

Change...

Change is a funny thing. You either adapt or get left behind while it takes off with whom or what ever that is willing to go by with it. Most of the time it doesn’t matter whether it is for better or for worse. Well who are we to decide right? It is often that in most cases people are resistant to change. Afraid to let go off some beliefs. Scared to let go off the old ways. At least I know I am one of those people. May be it is because we are so much concerned about what others might think or say. Though we try to ignore those thoughts. It always seems to get the best of us. As a result at the end of the day, when we are right about to go to sleep we are consumed and haunted by the thoughts that we gave in. That we are still the same old people we once were. The same old coward. The same old cry baby. The same old gutless person. We need a solution for this whole virus. Which is why I like to remind you of a quote from one of the most famous characters that influences this world. First of all let me say I am surprised the dude had what it took to say it. Yes. It is a quote from the Indian dude himself. “You must be the change you want to see in the world”. I am still not quiet sure what he meant. So I suppose we can derive any meaning we want from it. So I assume it goes like, it is not about adapting to change. It is more about making most of the change…

Uncertainty

In life nothing is certain. Except for a handful of few things. First of all your going to pay taxes and it’s certain that your going to die. No matter how hard you try. No matter how good your intentions are…Your going to make mistakes. You will certainly hurt people. And you are going to get hurt. And to recover from all that there is really only two things you can say. It’s either I forgive you or that I am sorry.

At first you think all that can be avoided, other than the ‘paying taxes’ and ‘ending up dead’ part. You think all your very well planned ethics will prevail over your bad judgment. But at point ‘life’ catches up with you. It’s going to dominate you until you choke and make that one single bad choice. Well after that…It’s all downhill..Well that’s if your not brave enough to strangle ‘life’ it self and break down..Notice that I didn’t mention anything about ‘luck’. That’s because ‘luck’ is an ass. What kind of a person would wait around for ‘luck’ to come and magically sort everything out. For crying out loud that’s why I say make your own ‘luck’ people. Be brave…Stay strong. Chase after ‘luck’ until you catch up with it. Then grab it with all your might.

Any how, when some one might had left you laying on the ground or when you made all the wrong choices you can either say I forgive you or that I am sorry and get on with life. ‘Forgive and forget’. I am sure you have heard that phrase that some all inspiring person came up with. Well…some of us may find it in our hearts to forgive some one… But we can only hope that some day we will forget….

Too Much....

It’s a new year. A chance for people to start over. To turn over a new leaf and make good of past mistakes. Let all the regret go start with a new beginning. Guess that’s the reason people set new year’s resolution, to remind themselves about their objectives and goals…To stay on the right path. More importantly to walk on an easy path…In doing so hoping to make the current year more successful and prosperous than the one before. But often this is not the case.

Somewhere along the way we all tend to forget on what we had set our minds on. Slowly we stray away from whatever that truly matters to us. As a result we get ourselves in trouble. While by some miracle a handful of us are lucky enough to see the light. The other not so lucky ones... well they end up broken down to bits . Before you know it, your down on your knees begging and pleading for too much out of life.

The truth is at one point or another we all ask for too much. As we end up in doing so we forget to realize that too much of anything isn’t really a good thing. But how do we know how much is too much.. Too much good.. Too much care.. Too much information.. Too much fun.. Too much love.. Too much to ask.. And when is it too much to BARE!!!! So let’s all of us stick to our new year’s resolutions throughout the year and appreciate the little good things in life :)

Pain....

Pain is the acutely unpleasant discomfort experienced by somebody. It can be really annoying and cause many problems to us and the people that surrounds us. It comes in all shapes and sizes. Generally it’s a physical injury or illness. Then there is the other more complicated ways experiencing pain. Like when someone leaves you. Like when you miss someone too much. Or your just simply worried as a result you become the reason for your pain.

I guess what we all wonder is, how do you really deal with it all. You could clean an open wound with some antibiotics and patch it up with some band aid. But its more than obvious this is not the pain I am going on about. So to be honest I don’t have a prescription to that pain I am talking about. But in time I have come up with some sweet little remedies…ok they aren’t all sweet.

For all you wondering out their I got three words for you. “DEAL WITH IT”. Sounds pretty rude and insensitive right. But trust me once you start doing that it works pretty well. The only thing you need to figure out is how do you actually deal with it. If you’re a tough cookie you can just ignore it all and be done with it. Unfortunately that’s not the case. When people need to be the bigger man and just get by they fail to do so. Well its probably ok right. C’mon even the toughest cookies get to cry and have bad days. So my answer would be either you clinch on to dear life n fight through it. Or find the comfort of a friend.. Either way at some point you need to pull though all of it on your own.

Dealing with it can be a real test. Worst of all that strange feeling of fear can really complicated things. But if your able get through it even once. Then it means you truly know your own self. My advice would be to learn how to get through. One day after another. And slowly ask yourself on how to make things better. Then do what ever it takes. At the end of the day you can lie on the bed, think about it a bit and just go to sleep. No use beating yourself about it. Remember you cant change it no matter how much you think about. All you can hope and work for is a better future..Till then let time do the rest and mend to our wounded hearts while the muted chimes find the beat to your joyful life….

What i become!!!!

Yes. I have finally reached the point of no return. The point where I have become everything I feared. Some where along the way, I have started hurting the ones I truly cared about. And that kills me inside. Though I bet its hard to believe by you anymore.

For the ones that know me, they know how much I have screwed up in my life. But perhaps I have never in my life done a more stupid, reckless and un-honorable thing. That’s tempering with a fragile already hurting heart. And I don’t think I can live with it. I seriously don’t.

All she wanted was to dream bigger. Live harder. Love deeper. Is that so much to ask??? At first I thought I could help her in all that. But I was wrong. Little did I know as much as I was the cure, I was also a disease. A pest around her that had high chances of being her down fall.

She might forgive me for all the crap I done. But its certain she won’t ever forget them. And that whole I left will be there for as long as we remember. So with whatever dignity I have left. I will try hard to let the lights guide her to the happiness she can barely remember. And I will try to fix that void in her. Its time I stop being who I become, and start being the man they all think I am….

P.S. To whom it may concern!!!Bullshit :p we both know who's this for.....

This girl changed me...And i didnt even know it

You meet random people everyday. Among these people some turn out to be friends. And others “jus people you know”. Usually the people I come to know as a “friend” has some what an impact on my life. I wouldn’t say it’s a huge impact. But still a tiny impact I suppose. Any how I was used to way in which the influence of others didn’t have much impact on my life. Guess you could say I had a “don’t care attitude” and in time I had learned to jus “roll with it”.

Little did I know that this was about to change. DRASTICALLY. It all started in a not so serious way when I met this girl. At first it was most about trying to figure each other out to see who was who. It was as if the battle of the sexes were in full motion. Though we did drift apart after a few conversations. But not after concluding that she is a “SPOLIED LITTLE BRAT” and I was just a playing “WIRED” guy.

Weeks had then passed. But on one faith full morning I realized that some one had messaged me. I was surprised to know that it was her. And at that moment was really the first time we had a meaningful conversation. It was on the 4^th of April that she truly became a good friend.

With each passing day she grew closer to me as I did to her. Suddenly everything I did some how involved her. Not only that she had begun to influence me in ways that I thought was unimaginable. She was making me want things that I knew I couldn’t have, at least not at this moment and time. In a way, I had become dependent of her. Too dependent actually. I needed her as much as she needed me. Truth is… This girl had changed me.. And I didn’t even know it!!!!